Bourbon Vanilla: The Sweet Side of Letting Go

How a Saturday bubble bath became a song about independence, kindness, and learning to relax.

I have a little Saturday ritual that I absolutely love. Whenever possible, I set aside a couple of hours, run a nice hot bath, and settle in for some uninterrupted relaxation. Sometimes I bring my laptop and watch a Turkish dizi. Other times, I listen to an audiobook or find something interesting on YouTube.

It’s my time. No demands, no schedule, and hopefully, no interruptions.

But one recent Saturday, my plans for a relaxing bath took an unexpected turn. It all started with Bourbon Vanilla.

Now, before your imagination gets carried away, I’m talking about a wonderfully fragrant body wash, not a cocktail!

I’ve always loved warm, musky fragrances. If something has amber or musk in its description, chances are I’m going to like it. I enjoy those rich, traditionally masculine scents, although some, like cedarwood and sage, can be a little too sharp for my taste.

But Bourbon Vanilla? Oh, my goodness.

There was something absolutely wonderful about it. It had that deep, warm, almost masculine fragrance that I love, but the vanilla added just enough sweetness to soften it. Neither scent overpowered the other. They simply blended into something lovely.

And as I settled into that hot water, surrounded by this wonderfully heady fragrance, my mind began wandering. That’s when things got interesting.

A Little Sweetness, a Little Spice

For several months, I’ve been having some fascinating conversations with a dear friend about independence, relationships, and the way women sometimes resist allowing men to do things for us.

She’s been on her own for approximately 35 years, and I’ve been single for about 25. Between the two of us, we’ve had plenty of experience taking care of ourselves!

My friend, who is old enough to be my mother, has recently been going through something of a personal awakening. After decades of being fiercely independent, she’s discovering that she actually enjoys allowing men to help her. Not because she’s helpless. Far from it. But because she’s beginning to appreciate that when someone genuinely wants to do something kind for you, perhaps the nicest response isn’t always to insist that you can do it yourself.

She’s been encouraging me to consider the same thing. And I’ve been thinking about it.

You see, I have absolutely no problem taking care of myself. I’ve been doing it for a very long time. If something needs fixing, I find someone to fix it. If something needs moving, I hire movers. If my car needs servicing, I take it to a mechanic.

Problem solved.

But somewhere along the way, I think I may have become a little too good at being independent.

When Independence Becomes a Habit

I believe independence is a wonderful thing. Every woman should have the confidence and ability to take care of herself.

Life can change unexpectedly. People die. Marriages end. Relationships change. And sometimes women find themselves suddenly responsible for things they’ve never had to manage before. I’ve experienced enough of life to understand the importance of being capable and prepared.

But I’ve also begun to realize that sometimes the very habits we develop to protect ourselves can become habits that keep us from fully enjoying life.

When you’ve spent 25 years knowing that you’re responsible for absolutely everything, it’s difficult to turn that responsibility off, even when someone offers to help. Perhaps especially then.

I’ve always enjoyed the company of men. I’ve dated, had wonderful friendships, and appreciated the gentlemen in my life. But I’ve also maintained a certain level of control over my circumstances.

For example, if a man suggested that we meet at a restaurant or movie theater, I was perfectly happy to drive myself. After all, I could arrive when I wanted and leave when I wanted. Nothing wrong with that! But when a gentleman preferred to pick me up, I enjoyed that, too.

Looking back, I wonder how many times I may have missed an opportunity to simply enjoy someone’s thoughtfulness because I was so accustomed to handling everything myself.

There’s a difference between being capable of doing something and always insisting on doing it. And that’s where my friend has been challenging my thinking.

The Beautiful Relief of Letting Someone Help

A few years ago, I experienced a perfect example of what happens when I actually allow someone else to take over a problem.

I was traveling from Ireland to Istanbul when I lost my laptop. For someone who uses her computer constantly, this was a disaster!

I needed a replacement, but finding the right one in Turkey was proving incredibly frustrating. I wanted a touchscreen with particular specifications, and the options I found were either unsuitable or terribly expensive. To make matters worse, I was trying to research and purchase everything on my phone, navigating Turkish websites and payment systems.

Now, I love Turkey. It’s a country very close to my heart. But doing complicated business in a language you’re not completely fluent in adds an entirely different level of frustration.

A Turkish friend of mine, who happens to be very knowledgeable about technology and speaks both Turkish and English, offered to help. At first, he sent me links and recommendations. I reviewed them, chose the laptop I wanted, and attempted to purchase it.

More problems.

Finally, he offered to order it through his own account, have it shipped directly to me, and let me reimburse him.

And I said yes.

Oh, the relief!

I knew exactly which laptop I wanted. I was paying for it myself. I hadn’t surrendered my ability to make decisions. I had simply allowed someone with the right knowledge and resources to make my life easier.

And I cannot tell you how wonderful that felt. The frustration disappeared. The tension eased. I could finally relax.

He hadn’t taken anything away from my independence. He had added something to my life.

And perhaps that’s what I’ve been rediscovering lately.

Back to the Bathtub!

So there I was, soaking in Bourbon Vanilla, thinking about these conversations and experiences. And suddenly, the connection became so obvious.

Here was this wonderful fragrance, combining rich, masculine notes with the sweetness of vanilla. Each was lovely in its own way.

But together?

Oh, they were something special.

And I began thinking about men and women. We each have our own strengths, personalities, abilities, and ways of approaching life. We can accomplish remarkable things independently. But isn’t it wonderful when we allow someone else to bring their own strengths into our lives?

I’m not suggesting that every woman needs a husband or boyfriend to be complete. Nor am I suggesting that women should abandon their independence or that men and women must fit into rigid roles.

I am suggesting that perhaps we’ve become so determined to prove we don’t need anyone that we’ve forgotten how lovely it can be to want someone in our lives. And perhaps we need one another more than we’re willing to admit. Not because we’re incapable alone, but because life can be richer when we share it.

A little sweetness. A little spice. Each wonderful on its own.

But oh, when they blend!

And Then Came the Song

By this point, my relaxing bath had turned into a full-fledged songwriting session. I wasn’t watching a Turkish dizi. I wasn’t listening to an audiobook. I was thinking, laughing, and talking to myself.

And every few minutes, another idea would pop into my head. So I’d dry my hands on a towel, grab my phone, and record another thought before I forgot it. Then I’d settle back into the water, and another idea would come.

Out came the towel. Out came the phone. Again and again!

By the time I finished my bath, I had recorded practically everything I needed to begin writing a song. And that song became Bourbon Vanilla.

It’s a playful song, because I think we sometimes need to laugh at ourselves when we’re reconsidering our long-held habits. There’s even a little humor about insisting that we don’t need a man to lift something because that’s what paid movers are for!

I confess, I recognize myself in that attitude.

But the song isn’t about becoming helpless or dependent. It’s about recognizing that just because we can do everything ourselves doesn’t mean we always have to.

And sometimes allowing someone to help us is as simple and wonderful as relaxing into a warm bubble bath.

What I’m Grateful For

This month’s writing prompt from C Simone with the Gratitude Junkies, asks us to think about an idea, how it flowed, and what we’re grateful for because of it.

When I think about the experience of writing Bourbon Vanilla, I realize I have several reasons to be grateful.

First, I’m grateful for a friendship that has encouraged me to reconsider some of my assumptions. I love that my friend, even at her stage of life, is still discovering new things about herself and is willing to change. She’s reminding me that we’re never too old to grow.

I’m also grateful that I’m beginning to feel a little more relaxed about life. When you believe you’re responsible for absolutely everything, it’s difficult to ever feel completely off duty. There’s always something to handle, something to anticipate, something to make sure gets done.

But when we allow someone else to shoulder a responsibility, even temporarily, something inside us can begin to relax. I’m discovering that accepting help doesn’t diminish my strength. Sometimes it’s simply a lovely way to experience another person’s kindness.

And finally, I’m incredibly grateful for the gift of songwriting. This has become one of the most delightful surprises of my life.

These days, ideas for songs seem to appear everywhere. Something happens, someone says something, or a random thought crosses my mind, and suddenly I can almost hear a song forming.

Just yesterday, I was in a store when another idea popped into my head. And I actually caught myself saying out loud that I was NOT going to write a song about that!

I had to laugh.

Apparently, my brain has decided that almost anything can become a song. And you know what? I love it.

I suspect I’ve always had these thoughts and observations. The difference is that now I’m recognizing them as creative possibilities. A fragrance. A conversation. A memory. A moment of laughter. Any of them might become music.

What an extraordinary gift it is to discover a new way of expressing the ordinary experiences of life.

A Little More Room for Sweetness

It’s only been a short time since I wrote Bourbon Vanilla, but I can already feel a shift in my thinking.

I still value my independence. I still intend to be capable, responsible, and fully engaged in directing my own life. But I’m increasingly willing to let someone else contribute to it.

I don’t have to prove my strength by refusing kindness. I don’t have to maintain control of every little thing. And I don’t have to choose between being an independent woman and being a woman who appreciates what a good man can bring into her life.

There’s room for both.

Just like that Bourbon Vanilla fragrance, sometimes two different qualities can come together and create something neither could quite achieve alone.

Maybe that’s the lesson I needed to learn. Or perhaps it’s simply a lesson I’m finally ready to embrace.

Either way, I’m grateful for the friendship, the reflection, the music, and that wonderfully fragrant Saturday afternoon. And I’m especially grateful that, after all these years, I’m still discovering new ways to grow, create, and experience joy.

Because sometimes, a little sweetness makes everything better.

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Listen to Bourbon Vanilla

And now, I’d love to share the song that came out of that unexpected Saturday afternoon.

It’s playful, a little sassy, and very much inspired by the thoughts I’ve shared here.

🎵 Listen to Bourbon Vanilla on YouTube

I hope it makes you smile. And perhaps it will encourage you to think about the ways you allow others to bring something wonderful into your own life.

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Continue the Conversation

Have you ever been so independent that you found it difficult to accept help, even when someone genuinely wanted to give it? I’d love to hear your thoughts!

I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments. Some of my favorite conversations begin there, and I read every one.

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Until next time, may you find a little more joy in the ordinary.

— Deronda

The Joy Ambassador | Architect of Joy